a Season in Hell
by Rozafunk
Summary: Kaoru's in love with Hikaru and Hikaru knows about it yet he choose to travel with Haruhi to Canada leaving his brother heart broken and alone. What is going to happen when the trip is over and they arrive back to Japan to find that everyone has changed to the worst? will Hikaru be able to fix Kaoru ? will Haruhi be able to fix Tamaki ? and what is the story that Kayoya is hiding?
1. memories

**First of all I don't own Ouran High school host club I just use the characters **

**also I son't own the title of the story , originally it's a title of a poem that i like a lot ~ **

**this story will include other host club members **

**WARNING : BOYXBOY/ cursing **

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><p><span><strong>a Season in Hell<strong>

**Kaoru POV**

I set on my corner of the room doodling on my notebook and listening to hard rock music. Nothing matters in my life and I can spend days in my place. Depression is eating me alive day after day , I pushed everybody away after he left me here all alone . my friends in the host club , may parents and even my therapist. I stopped talking to people and shut myself in my own world. Every day I thought about death yet too afraid to commit suicide so I had to put on with my daily life. Taking this corpse to college everyday then walk my way back to the house and that's it I didn't want anything to happen to me. I had eating disorder , our fancy food looked disgusting just like everything else.

"Kaoru , it's your lunch time " my mom said entering my room. I looked up at her " I don't want shit mom! Just leave me alone!" I shouted at her, of course they all treat me very strange that they created a lunch time only for me. "oh my god !.. I am tired of you , look at yourself , you have lost a lot of weight " she shouted " you don't sleep or eat or study ! all you do is listening to crappy music and doodle shit! Everybody is worried about you!"

" I don't care! Leave me alone!" I said drawing a small skull

"listen to me , I've said that already , we can pay for you to move with hik-"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA MOVE WITH HIM ! WHY DON'T YOU GET IT !" shouted and threw my doodle book at her and walked to the door "you know what mom , here's the truth that you don't want to know , actually , he's the one who doesn't want me to move with him.. why don't you get it already ? I am sick of you, mom.." it is still hard for me to deal with rejection even after a year from Hikaru's travel to studying abroad with Haruhi. I am never good enough for him. I always believed that Hikaru knows about the kind of feelings I developed for him so he decided to run away and now I am afraid of the whole world , I am actually afraid of him , he's the reason of all the pain and sorrow I am suffering for a year now. "Kaoru , get out please. I've never imagined that Hikaru is the one to refuse it. " my mom said from behind the bathroom door " I am sorry, son " yeah that's all she can do , apologize .. as if this can fix anything. "FUCK OFF" I held the shampoo bottle and threw it at the door. "all I am asking for is.. isolation ".

**Third person's POV**

"dear diary ,It has been a year now since I left Japan with Haruhi. And tonight is the last night for us here in Canada before we fly back to Japan. I can't wait for more 6 hours to see Kaoru again , I miss him a lot , he never agreed to do video chats with me and there has always been something missing. I still exactly remember what happened back in time when I told him I am leaving " Hikaru wrote in his notebook before taking a deep breath and drifting in his memories.

One year Before (flashback )

The twins were sitting on Kaoru's room when finally Hikaru decided to break the news for his brother " well Kao .. there's something that I wanted to tell you for a quite some time.."Hikaru looked down at his feet moving his hair away from his face and giving Kaoru a glance before continuing , Kaoru put his book under the pillow and moved to sit beside his twin "what is it Hika?" he spoke in a worried tone , of course Kaoru could notice the strange look in his twin's eyes and that he was hiding something for weeks now "you know ..I have been in a relationship with Haruhi for the last year and yesterday she got accepted in the University of Ottawa and.." Hikaru stopped and held his brother's hands "..I guess I must move with her there and study in that university as well" Hikaru looked at Kaoru who didn't look that surprised or even sad " eh..are you okay with that?" said Hikaru in shock , " well I can always visit you right ?" Kaoru said , "wha..!" Hikaru couldn't figure out how is Kaoru going to always visit him if he is living in the other side of the world " I mean in which side of the country is Ottawa?" Kaoru said and Hikaru figured it out , his brother thought that Ottawa is a university in Japan since the name sounds Japanese "Kaoru .. it's in Canada" Kaoru opened his eyes wildly in surprise "what are you saying Hikaru?" he stopped and sniffed " you can't leave , we have plans for our future" he pulled his hands from Hikaru's " you said , we are going to have a future twice the fun than normal people..HIKARU YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" he screamed out at his brother's face "wha ..!Kaoru calm down please, it's only for a year ! and it's better for us to be apart and so we will find our individuality and ..I really want to live with her Kaoru , I really love her " Kaoru stood there without saying a word just staring at Hikaru while getting his heart to sink in numbness and pain.

He just stood there not knowing what to do and how to feel, tears fell down his eyes as fast as ever even though he couldn't show any face expression. Hikaru stood up and wanted to wrap his arms around Kaoru for a hug, he saw that coming and in the other hand he didn't want to let go of Haruhi for Kaoru's sake. He thought that Kaoru will always be there since he's his own brother but Haruhi is not , she could pick any other guy and totally forgets about him. He didn't believe in long distance relationships or that he'll ever find a girl like Haruhi. Hikaru convinced himself that Kaoru can sure get over it just like how he got over Hikaru's relationship with Haruhi in the beginning with , he got hurt but then he thought that his brother dealt with it when all that Kaoru actually did was hiding his feelings and acting fine when he was not. "Hikaru, get out of my room " Kaoru said while pushing Hikaru away to the door and slamming it behind him , locking it with the key "Kaoru ..you're going to be alright , you are strong. Anyways , I'll leave tomorrow morning..please take it easy it's only for a year and we can always have video chats you know , I'll always check on you" he sighed " you know I love you so don't make it hard for me Kao , I got to pick who makes me happy-" Hikaru just noticed what he said, even though it is the truth , staying with Kaoru wouldn't bring him any happiness " I- I AM SORRY FOR MAKING YOUR LIFE MISRABLE " Kaoru screamed from behind the door and sniffed "Kao .. I didn't mean that, I just ..we are 18 now , it's normal for us to move with new people , this doesn't mean you're going to stop being my dear twin brother" Hikaru said lying his back to the door "THAT HAS STOPPED LONG FUCKING TIME AGO ! " Kaoru said suddenly opening the door wildly " SINCE YOU GOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT BIT- GIRL.."even in his anger Kaoru considered Hikaru's feelings first , he moved his tears away "you have been away ever since , and I have been lost and hurt, I can't lie anymore " sniffed " I am not fine , I am always alone.. " he sobbed and hid himself in Hikaru's chest "I don't..I don't want you to go" Hikaru wrapped his arms around his shaking brother and fondled his back " I love you but..that's something I always wanted to try , I promise I'll come back to you. Just let me try this Kaoru..please " he held Kaoru's face and raised his chin and looked straight to his teary eyes promising him that he'll come back. Kaoru moved his tears away and nodded" whatever that makes you happy " inside of him he was damaged he thought that he really doesn't deserve to be loved or respected, he broke down and hit a wall . thinking of how is he going to trust anyone anymore. He held himself and went back to the room " how about I sleep with you tonight" Hikaru felt guilty, he cuddled with Kaoru who sobbed all night in his sleep and woke up twice to a nightmare. In the early morning Hikaru kissed Kaoru's forehead and left him sleeping as the car that will take him and Haruhi to the airport arrived. He left Kaoru on the bed , alone. After that day nobody has ever seen Kaoru smiling.

**(End of flashback)**

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><p><strong>in next chapters, Hikaru and Haruhi will go back to Japan but for their surprise , a lot of things and people have changed to the worst. <strong>

**are they going to be able to fix anything ? read to know :) **

**XxXx**

**Thanks for reading , I'll upload the next chapter soon .**

**leave reviews and tell me if you like the idea and if you have anything to add please tell me ~ **


	2. don't touch me

**Kaoru POV**

I finished my classes and went back home , the road was quit as well and the cheery blossom filled the air . I do hate humans but in the other hand I am in love with nature , the trees and the sky were always there for me. First thing I noticed beside the house is the limo we use for our guests. Whoever is in there didn't really matter and to avoid having any conversations with them I decided to enter from the kitchen doors. I took a turn around the house and entered "Oh master Kaoru , you're here already " said one of the maids "yeah" I simply say to her "eh.. please stay here !" she said out of a sudden and this is the first time in my life a maid orders me to do something "why?" I turn to face her "I-I am so sorry sir it's just.." she looked to the floor and I knew that she's hiding something when the main chief walked to us "I apologize for her impoliteness towards you dear young master" he looked to the floor while talking to me as well , I sighed again not really interested to ask them what was the matter again. The chief poked the maid and whispered to her that she shouldn't risk her job and talk to me again. What could I possibly do when everybody treats me like a lord when I am really no more than a scum. I walked out of the kitchen and to my room. Everybody in the house was giving me strange looks, I couldn't care less actually.

The corridors to my room were eternal but I finally stood behind the door before opening it , what's this strange feeling in my chest now?, why is my heart racing? .. I have never felt this way before , there was something inside the room..something that belongs to me and I got to have it before my heart jumps out of my chest. I opened the door wildly

"Hello , Kaoru .." ..that's …

"_Hika._.!"

I stood there not knowing what to do. I drop the books that I was holding, my whole body went numb .. after a year of suffering , the reason is standing next to me. Suddenly I saw everything I went through in his eyes , his golden eyes that I loved the most in the world. I saw myself sitting alone in the corner , cutting my wrests , drinking , shouting at everybody, bleeding on the bathroom floor, crying under the shower, hating the mirror and everyone that talks. My feet betrayed me. He's walking to me , I should run .. he raised his arms and wrapped them around me "HAH!" I gasped "d-don't touch ..me" he brought me closer to him , his body is burning me alive and it's hurting. I am just all tiered and my tears won't stop "nn- no . don't.." he fondled my back and I lost my breath "STOP!" finally found my voice , my heart racing in my chest that it was too hard to breath "Kao ?" he separated from me and looked at my eyes with an innocent look "why are you crying?" he doesn't know a thing , of course mom has lied to him and told him I am doing fine. "don't touch me.." I can't pretend that I am fine. "wh-what's wrong? I missed you a lot" he said and took a look at me, if he didn't change he'd know that everything is wrong. I covered my face with my sleeves I didn't want him to look at me , nobody should look. "Kaoru..is it me?" I cover my ears with my hands I didn't want to hear. I needed to scratch on something but couldn't move. So I collapsed down and sat in the corner between the closet and the door. Hiding my face between my hands and knees. "KAORU! " he was scared , the person that he thought I was is now collapsing to pieces. I have always pretended that things were alright and that it has never mattered while taking all the pain and keeping it inside of me. And I am here on the floor now , shattered and shaking. "MOM ! MAIDS ! CALL THE DOCTOR" he shouted , but I needed no doctor Hikaru .. why don't you see anymore? "I am scared of you " I whispered as a lot of people rushed to the room and talked to me and touched me and that scared me even more "STOP IT! " Hikaru screamed at all of them and I looked between my fingers , did he realize that I was scared "but Hikaru ,he's going crazy I swear " mom said to him but he shacked his head and asked her to leave with the maids. He closed the door after them "I am sorry " he sat down beside me his hand on his face. "so I am really the reason. I didn't know ..I-" he is talking again "shush..please..don't talk" I said to him and he stopped talking.

We just sat there for hours.

**Hikaru POV**

Here he lost a little every day , I remember when I was there enjoying my time and thinking that Kaoru is doing the same in here but look at him now. Piercing on his lips and a small tattoo on his arm , he lost a lot of weight and he's wearing all black. He's scared of the whole world sitting in the corner hugging himself and crying , how many times did he end up like that after I left?. What am I going to do? It has been three hours for us sitting like that. Should I break the silence without hurting him. It's getting colder and darker here . I stood up , his eyes on me as I walked to the fireplace and opened it up, next I picked up the books that Kaoru was holding and I put them on the table. He's still sitting there and I should do something .. I looked beside me and found empty papers and pens . would it be fine if I write to him instead of talking? But what should I possibly write ..

_Dear Kaoru , I know we never get over great injuries but we absorb them and they carve us into different , often kinder creatures. And that's what happened to you , I know that it's all my fault for leaving you here and I apologize. You know dear brother , sometimes I think about all that we have done and gone through that no one even knows about and I get sad thinking that no one will ever know about all these things that make me , me and you , you. Maybe that's why I left you in the first place, I wanted you to discover who you really are but I have never imagined that you'd hit a wall. I want to take you away now but it's cold and I don't know where and I want to hug you and make you feel alright. Watching you like this shatters me, why did you always pretend being fine when you are not? I thought that you are really dealing with things. I am sorry for not watching over you but I am here again and I want to make things right for you and fix you even if it means losing the world and losing myself doing it. Will you give me a chance to try and enter your world?_

I read what I wrote again and walked to him . I put the piece of paper beside him and went to sit on his bed. He really changed it's like I am a stranger to him. Kaoru is scared of me..

I sniffed and tears fell down my eyes. How am I suppose to fix a deadly mistake and a broken heart? And what if he gives me a chance but I miss things up again? How am I suppose to know-

My thoughts were cut by my ring tone . I looked at my mobile screen and it said Haruhi, I moved my tears away and answered

"hey there .."

"Hikaru! What's with your voice? Are you alright?"

"yes I am.. eh..I have something to tell you Haruhi " I say and notice Kaoru looking at me. He sure hates her "what is it Hikaru? " she asked " I need a break , I don't want to see you or talk to you for awhile " I hope she understands "wha.." silence from her side , she sighed and said " as you like " , " thanks " I hung up and sighed . Kaoru stood up and walked to me while holding the paper. I looked at his face . he raised his index finger and kissed it then he pressed it on my cheek . I smiled "cute" I said to him and he looked away and picked up the pen and started writing something on the paper. After awhile he gave it to me and I read.

_I gave up on my own happiness for you, are you willing to do the same?._

Kaoru looked worried and unsure "of course I am " I said to him smiling. He picked up a book from his collection and went back to the corner of the room. How am I suppose to deal with him if he's silent all the time?

God I am really tiered of the trip from Canada to here , it wouldn't bother if I sleep here tonight right? I closed my eyes and drift into a deep sleep.

**Kaoru POV**

Page 350 , it's enough reading for today. I raised my head up to find that Hikaru is sleeping on my bed. His figure made me blush, I stood up and walked to him , there is a tear on his cheek and his hair on my pillow. He was still wearing his shoes , he's sleeping and won't hurt me. I sat on the bed and held his feet and put them on my lap , I slowly started taking off his shoes and socks. I sighed ..why am I so desperate to touch him but scared as hell at the same time, I sure miss him a lot. I lied on the bed beside him looking at his sleeping face and his lips that I wanted to kiss for a very long time now. "Hikaru.. I love you the most" I whispered to myself leaving a space between me and him . I raised my hand and slowly touched his face. I gasped for air and my heart started racing again , I shouldn't do that , it hurts me a lot.

I brought the blanket and covered Hikaru , I better not see his body while he's sleeping. It'd be better to always leaving a space between us, I am not ready to share my life with him again yet, it feels strange to have him beside me again .

I held my doodle book and started sketching. I drew Hikaru's face , even if the whole world saw us identical. Hikaru has a deferent smile than me, he also has a sharper nose and his eyes are always glowing. That's why I loved him the most , he's the perfect image of me.

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><p><strong>.I'll upload soon :)<strong>


	3. insecure

**"Note: - this story is not all about events as much as it's about feelings and inner thoughts**

**- there's someone that wrote a review saying that I am wasting your time with this story and that in the manga they are not in love. Well duh this is exactly what fanfiction is all about, plus if you dislike this ship don't read about it.**

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><p><strong>Hikaru POV<strong>

"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're suppose to let go of" dad once told me. But what if I can't do otherwise because I care about the other person and I don't want them to get more depressed because of me? How in the world am I going to move on without losing too much , is it even possible not to hurt the people you care about for what you really want? "OW!" I've hurt my chine while shaving "aah man.." I sighed and looked at my reflection in the mirror "Kaoru.. "fixing him first is what really matters now.

I washed my face and went out of the bathroom "are you ready?" I asked my brother who was sitting on his corner. He looked at me then jumped out of his place and opened a drawer and walked back to me. He put a plaster on the scratch in my chin "kaoru..thank you!" we shared a fast look before Kaoru turned his face to the other side "we're late" he said and went out of the room in a hurry. I smiled to his lovely behavior, maybe he decided to not be so hard after all.

Ouran University for art. Gardens surround the huge buildings, it is ten times bigger than Ouran high and has students from all over the world, once the car stopped Kaoru went out and entered one of the buildings " Oh! Hey wait for me !" I ran after him, even though he was hiding his eyes with his hair people noticed we look alike and I actually enjoy that attention. I decided to attend all of Kaoru's classes with him, if I was to gain his trust again I got to know what kind of daily life he has.

While my brother was walking ahead of me some guy hit his shoulder and Kaoru was about to fall down but I held him from the back , the guy apologized and kept walking but Kaoru turned to face me "huh! Kao?" his eyes were teary " I told you not to touch me!" he shouted and ran away "What! But you were about to fall down !" I ran after him..what have I done. "Kaoru wait" I shouted but he didn't stop. There's no point in chasing him so I stopped and sighed "is he your brother? You really look alike" I looked behind me to a normal looking girl "eh yeah he's my twin brother actually " I noticed that Kaoru entered his lecture hall "he's a hard headed guy , it's impossible to deal with him " that's not true , he used to be too kind "it's just..he's been into too much, oh I am late! " I waved to the girl and left to the lecture , Kaoru was sitting on the end of the row beside the window so I took a seat beside him "hey.." he ignored me and doodled on his notebook. I took my notebook out of my backpack and wrote " I'm so sorry I didn't want you to fall down!" he read it and wrote " next time let me fall down but don't touch me" he is making me feel like an alien. After 5 minutes the professor entered the hall and started talking about the history of architecture in Rome. Despite the fact that it was super boring, Kaoru didn't stop doodling, someday I'll steal that notebook. We went out after an hour and sat on a chair in the garden

"Hikaru.."

"yes.."

"I feel strange"

"how is that?" I looked at my jacket instead of looking at his eyes. One thing I noticed about the new his is that he doesn't like people to look at his eyes while he's talking

"it's..my space is suddenly filled and.. " he took a deep breath. this time I decided to listen before saying anything " I don't like that, Hikaru.." he hugged my backpack and hid his face on it " I've isolated myself from the whole world and..I am so scared to open up. That you and everybody else will hurt me again " he took a deep breath "and I don't like to get hurt anymore" I see it all now "I am not strong anymore, I am totally broken " it's not only me, everybody around him was judging him and hurting him for a year now. Not only that , they've built a wrong image about who he really is without giving him a chance to explain himself, that happened before when we were little kids. We wanted people to tell us apart but whenever they messed we used to cry and close in ourselves even more. It's happening again now. He coughed and I gave him some tissues " do you wanna go for a walk?" I asked and he nodded " Hika..it's okay if you wanna ummm.. hold my hand " he said touching his hair and I smiled "you'd let me?" he nodded and that made me happy ..he started trusting me again, as gentle as I could be, I engaged my fingers to his. I missed holding his hand and be a part of his world.

After finishing his lectures we went to the cafeteria to have our tea break, the place is super classy as well so once we sat around the table , maids walked to us and took our orders. "mom told me you have eating disorder" I said and he nodded" I don't mind tea though" he said and I smiled to him

"Oh lord , so the rumors were right , Kaoru happened to have a sexy hell of a brother" I heard two girls talking from the table behind us "yeah , could you believe that they are twins! I mean how could that messed up punk Kaoru be a twin of a guy that looks like a super model!" they laughed "he's so desperate I bet he must be jealous of his brother" they laughed again and I looked at Kaoru who was looking at his notebook with a cold face that didn't show any sign of hurt "I got to try my luck with him " she said and I looked at her "WILL YOU SHUT UP! " I left my seat and walked to them "hika.." Kaoru called me but I kept walking, I can't let this happen anymore , not when I am here "WHY WOULD I THINK OF DATING SUCH SCUM BAGS LIKE YOU!" I held a cup of water that was on the table and splashed it on their faces "keep the shit in your mouths to yourselves" they were shocked "AAAAAAA!" one of them screamed and the maids ran to her "I WON'T FORGIVE YOU , HITACHIIN !" she shouted but I gave her a cold shoulder "ugly girls with ugly personalities .."

"let's go" I gave my hand to Kaoru who got shocked too. He took my hand and we went out of the cafeteria

"you shouldn't do that, I am used to hear that .." he said. Didn't he ever bother insulting them back? He is so depressed to even .."oh my god!, Kaoru you don't fucking deserve this!" I stopped him and looked straight to his eyes putting my hands on his shoulders

"Hikaru?"

"listen to me dear brother! I love you the way you are and the way you want to be and I won't allow anybody in the whole world to hurt you again , not even myself! you get it! You deserve to be loved and respected for who you are!"

His eyes glowed to the sun light..he frequented and looked to the floor then slowly he raised his hands and wrapped them around my body "Kao.." he hugged me and sniffed "do I really..deserve..?" he sniffed again. I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, I like being this close to him "yes you do " I brushed his hair with my fingers. He shouldn't feel insecure again. As a matter of fact , I started drawing a picture in my mind for the things he destroyed before ,just to try and build them up again.

"Hikaru ..one day I'll tell you about something, will you promise me not to leave me alone after knowing it " our faces were an inch apart while his eyes were glowing and he blushed. "I promise I won't " I know exactly what he's talking about ..and he knows that I know.

It was the first reason why I dated Haruhi and left with her. I knew about the kind of feelings he has for me long time ago even though he didn't confess, I don't know when did that start to happen, maybe when we joined the host club ,but it scared me a lot and I didn't want to get into that because I , myself started thinking about those feelings. And this was the time I decided to take a different path and run away with a girl that I already love and respect.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading YvY your reviews made my day ,I'll upload soon 3<strong>


	4. the ocean

**Kaoru POV**

Have you ever become so damaged that when the one wants to give you what you deserve, you have no idea how to respond. That was me last night, Hikaru has asked me to hang out with him and I accepted.  
>"so where are we going?" I sat in the car beside him as he drove "you'll see , I have everything ready for a nice night" I rolled my eyes to him and sketched on my doodle book. The drive wasn't too long , almost half an hour "the ocean .." we went out of the car and I looked to the huge scene in front of my eyes just to feel strangely powerful "Hikaru do you feel that too?" he nodded and wrapped his arms around me , hugging me from the back , resting his chine on my shoulder " imagine that the ocean is covering all the evil people, hitting them with its waves , drowning them to the ultimate benthos" I pictured it in my head when he said it "I feel like screaming " I said as cold breeze hit us. Hikaru nodded and took my hand and we entered the cold water, I took a deep breath and screamed my lungs out over and over and over until I got tiered and went back to the beach.<p>

There wasn't anybody on the beach but us so it felt like we own the whole ocean. We took off our wet pants and shirts and ran under the moon.

just for a moment I felt so free from all that I supposed to be. Hearing my love talk and laugh with me like it was always supposed to be like that. We laid down on the sand breathing heavily. And I made a wish to a shooting star.

We made a fire and covered ourselves with blankets that Hikaru has in the car. Lighting bugs were dancing everywhere around us, chills ran down my spine as our fingers entwine and the white windy waves washed in inside of me. "Hikaru" I smiled to him "I am glad " he said and lied down to ..kiss me. My mind went completely blank. His lips on mine, I closed my eyes and opened them slightly as he deepened the kiss.* Hikaru is kissing me! * I repeated that in my head over a hundred times. "Hikaru..!" he stopped and I hid my burning face with my hands , he put the blanket on my head. "let's just go home". We took our stuff and went to the car and sat there in silence except that I could hear my heart beats so fast inside of my chest. I looked to the other side instead and he sighed to missing puzzle pieces and the cloudy question marks. He opened a box beside him and gave me a beer "chill " as he opened his own beer and drank it all at once while I took a sip. he brushed his fingers to his hair " we had a nice time " I said and pat his back "yeah, I hope it helped you.." he sounded weird " I want you to be happy again" he said and opened the door leaving the car "eh ,Hikaru!" he went to my said and opened my door , knelt beside me and held my hands while we stared at each other's eyes "when are you going to open up and tell me about your real feelings and how in the world did this happen..Kaoru , please..I am confused and I don't want to think that this is wrong because it doesn't matter as long as you are sure of what you really want , I'll just deal with it, you know. I just want you to take it all out of your heart" I closed my eyes for a moment not knowing how to say this exactly "I am in lo- " I hesitated "Hikaru, I am.." I tried to calm down and decided to open up to him. We shared a deep look and decided to finally spit it out "I am in love with you..it all started from when we first joined the host club" I felt relived to finally saying it , I don't have to carry it to myself anymore "it's okay , come here" he hugged me too tightly that everything felt alright again as if I didn't suffer from depression for a whole year. "I am sorry " I said from his shoulder "it's totally okay" he fondled my back "let's go home yeah?" he said and I nodded "everything will be alright, Kaoru.." he got closer and kissed my lips , it was fast and I loved it. All the way back home I was smiling to myself, I felt like I'll fly I felt happy and exited even though I didn't know how to respond to him. Yet In the back of my mind I still feel that I don't deserve to be loved by him as much as I deserve to suffer.

When we went back home, Hikaru went to his room to change his clothes and I went to mine. "Dammit, where is this going to take us? Maybe I shouldn't start all this , maybe I should have locked myself in even more..it's obvious , he doesn't want that he's just doing it for me..Hikaru is really trying hard to get me out of depression even if it meant lying to himself about his own feelings. So in the end.. "I laughed like a crazy psycho to myself ".. I am actually the one who's selfish " my back hit the wall and I slipped down to the floor. "this is wrong in so many levels.."

**Hikaru POV**

I sat on the hot tub relaxing my muscles and thought to myself of how crazy everything is..me doing that to my own twin brother and what about Haruhi and the others? I really didn't see her for a while now , what is she going to think about our relationship that I ran away from her to make out with Kaoru because he's desperate and hates everything in the world excluding me. "I really need to visit her" I took a shower and went out of the bathroom and dressed up "I hope things don't get worse" I went out of my room and passed by Kaoru's room. Thought it's not necessary telling him where I was going let alone he'd get annoyed if he knows so I went downstairs and left the house.

"oh Hikaru ! I missed you " Haruhi said and pressed her lips to mine "I missed you too as well"I said looking her in the eye "I really got so worried when you told me you don't wanna talk to me for awhile but I didn't ask ..I thought that you needed your space since we were together for a whole year " we entered the normal commoner house and I sat on one of the couches "well , I came here to talk about that" she brought me some green tea in a funny cup "oh darling ,I am listening " she said holding my hand and I smiled "well it's about Kaoru. he got into depression when we first left together and my parents didn't told me at all so now he's desperate and hates everybody , actually he's locking himself in his corner of the room doodling all day long and never talks to anyone expect me of course " I took a sip from the cup and continued " actually something has happened back then when we first joined the host club and started the .. brotherly love act." I sighed " seems that it wasn't an act for him " I stopped and looked at her "wh-what! Do you mean..Kaoru has feelings for you?" she got really surprised "yes and it's my fault from the beginning with , I let him play the uke while I played the seme and seems he liked it, I mean he's never dated anyone before because I was giving him everything already. I think this is the reason why he developed such feelings but..in the other hand I promised him that I am willing to go as far as he wants if it will get him out of depression " she held my arm and rest her head on my shoulder "Hikaru..this is not what do you want from life right? You're lying to him and to yourself and to me as well let alone.."she sighed "..for how long are you willing to lie to him? Kaoru is smart , do you think he won't figure it out? That's if he didn't already"

" I know ..all I want is a normal brother to brother relationship with him" I saighed and she bat my back

"Oh Hikaru you're here! Long time no see " I looked to see Ranka, Haruhi's father " Hey Ranka , hows everything? " I shaked hands with the man and we sat around the table for dinner , still I really don't know what to do. Haruhi changed the subject since her dad took a seat with us "I wanna go visit Tamaki tomorrow , wanna come?" she asked me "oh I didn't see that air head for a long time, actually the last time I saw him was when you broke up with him , he was too desperate that night though "

" well , I suppose he has gone through it and got into a lot of relationships with other women ..whatever , he's an old friend so I thought why not giving him a visit"

"sure why not..eh Haruhi , can I stay here for the night?"

"yes sure , I really missed you ..lets sleep on my bed tonight" she smirked and I laughed , spending the night here will make me feel better and get my mind busy with something else.


	5. a little bit happy

**Hikaru POV**

"YOU WERE WITH HER ALL NIGHT ! YOU FUCKIN' LIER ! .." Kaoru sniffed and moved his tears with his sleeve "I shouldn't have trusted you ..Hikaru you suck..you're making everything worst " I didn't mean to hurt him and it's my personal life he shouldn't get hurt. "you're making a big deal over it ..please calm down " I wanted to hold him but he pushed me away "Kao!" I didn't expect that , he gave me a hurtful look then went and sat on his corner "don't come closer" he said hugging himself. I sighed ..how far am I going to take this before I rage. I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

"Nothing would ever change if you keep running to your corner every time something that you don't like happens" I said to him but he covered his ears "oh boy.." now he wants me to fuck off like everyone else.

I brought a chair and put it beside him but not too close and I sat there for sometime "okay..I am sorry . I will stop seeing her and we'll break up .." I said so, not really meaning it but I hopped that it'd cheer him up

"it's not that.." he said , still not looking at me

"then what's wrong ?" I left the chair and sat beside him "I don't know .." he said staring at his hands

"how can I help ?"

" I don't know"..

"okay wait here , I'll do something and come back to you.." I left the room to the roof and decided to build a blanket nest for him. When we were little kids we used to build them and hide there for hours , it made us feel better and safer. I think it'd help him a little.

I went back to the room and knelt beside him " okay. I made you a nest. Do you want to come?" he hesitated and moved his hair from his eyes "okay.." I gave him my hand. We walked to the roof and he looked at it carefully "get in " I said and he entered while I sat out beside him. After awhile he held my hand "Does that help ?" he nodded and that made me feel good "can I join you?" he went to the side leaving a place for me . we didn't say anything for hours and he slept there. I felt comfortable under the blankets too so I didn't felt like moving. The warmth was tempting so I felt sleepy as well , I brought Kaoru closer to me and slept like that.

**Kaoru POV**

Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before you had your first heartbreak or before you got betrayed by a person you trusted?..I do.

"it's just another day " the rain against the window and my cheek against the rain "I'll go to visit Tamaki, are you coming?" said my brother from his place in the red sofa while I touched the water drops with my fingers "to make sure he's still alive?" I asked and he touched my hair "maybe " he brushed his fingers to my hair "Hikaru smells like trees" I whispered that note to myself "do I?" I looked at him and didn't say a thing. I put my shoes on and we walked to Hikaru's car "didn't you visit Tamaki or the others the past year?"he asked

"..no" I actually did , many times and in the last time that happened I got a small tattoo on my arm. I sat on the back seat "so you can have your girlfriend sitting beside you " I said "girlfriend.." and repeated the word to myself " umm yeah..thanks.." he was confused. I opened my doodle book and started sketching while Hikaru drove to the commoners neighborhood "you know , you may have to say hi to her and act normal " he looked at me from the front mirror "mhm" I gave him a glance and drew a line "eh..I thought you'd get mad.." he said wondering "Hikaru .. I am shattered and you were trying to stick me together with glue.." there is no point in trying to fix someone who's completely broken just to try and break them down again. "don't worry dear nothing can break me anymore.." I smiled to him and he looked confused "you don't have to act like you're alone like there's no one that understands you.." he gave me his hand and drove with his other hand and I held it "I am not just some face you used to know , I know all about you and you should know that there's someone that cares about you" I held his hand "you're finding ways to break the bonds but they are stronger than you realize , Kaoru , you can say I haven't tried enough and I've let you down and left you behind but I am here now" and I know it's a lie from the sparkle in his eyes when she entered the car and he doesn't smell like trees when she's with him. "Oh ! Kaoru you are here too! Long time no see how are you?" she asked me , she's speaking to me. I have to answer her and not to embarrass Hikaru. But there's only a blank I can't utter a word with her, I don't want her to look at me "eh, Haruhi , did you get the direction to Tamaki's house?" Hikaru asked her and she took her eyes away from me and I breathed.

the ride was hell to me. I wished we'd just suddenly arrive so I'd go to a corner. I didn't want to hear Hikaru talking to her, I got my headphones out from my backpack and put them on. The words he said to me kept repeating themselves to the music I was listening to " ..like there's no one that understands you.." I whispered to myself " and you should know that someone cares about you" I whispered and they were laughing. I closed on myself and drift into a deep sleep.

**Hikaru POV**

"I suppose it's that mansion on the top of the hill " Haruhi said and I drove , the street was bad and branches and stones were almost covering it but finally we made it there and the gates were opening to us by the guards. I stopped the car beside the main doors and we went out. I almost forgot that Kaoru was with us in the car , he was too silent and actually asleep. "I'll wake him up , you can enter " I said to Haruhi , she nodded and entered. I opened the backseat door , moved his headphones from his ears and put them aside when I noticed his doodle book on his lap.. it won't bother if I take a look right..

I sat beside my sleeping brother and opened the book. First page said " purity lost in vain " and there were a lot of poker faces. I flipped it to the next page and I saw a doodle of me , it was so well done! when did Kaoru get that expert in drawing! I loved the picture a lot. The next page was another drawing of me with him , the only thing is that my face was well drawn while his face was colored in black and there was a word written on it with a pencil while the drawing was done in ink. I tried to read it , it said " why ?" I noticed that he moved a little so I put the doodle book back beside him "oh I was about to wake you up, we've arrived." I said and he removed his hair from his face , looked around for the doodle book and the headphones and he put them in his backpack and went out of the car, I sighed and followed him inside the house.

It was big and sort of gloomy. "welcome masters Hitachiin , master Tamaki is waiting for you on the living room. We entered the hall where Tamaki was waiting for us, Haruhi was sitting on one of the couches while he was sitting on the other one. His hair grew longer, his blue eyes looked old and sort of dead. "Hello man , how are you doing " I said to him "have a seat..Hikaru " I sat on one of the couches while Kaoru walked to Tamaki and sat beside him on the couch. To my surprise I didn't know what to say , but I didn't think that Kaoru would ever agree to sit beside anybody excluding me! " Hey Kaoru " he said in a weird tone and gave my brother a cigarette. Kaoru accepted it and I shared a questioning look with Haruhi. I saw them smoking in silence untill suddenly,Tamaki's doge , Anttonet, ran into the hall and jumped on Kaoru's lap and licked his face , I stood up to take her off of him but Kaoru stroked her head "good girl " he said to her and she woofed ! I got the feeling that Kaoru was visiting Tamaki before. "so how's everything boss?" I broke the silence " everything is fine Hikaru , everything is fine. "

Neither Tamaki nor Kaoru spoke a word all that night unless they were asked a question. We had dinner together and decided to stay the night in here since the weather was horrible outside.

"hey Kaoru .." I put my arm around his shoulder " stop it " he pushed my arm away "yeah sorry , I'll go sleep , good night ." he's acting weird again. Is it because Haruhi is here? He walked to his room and I saw him shutting the door. "Hikaru, let's go" Haruhi took my hand and we walked to one of the guest rooms.

"what do you think should we do?" I asked Haruhi

"we should do nothing " she answered and sat on the huge bed "this is not our fault "

"what do you mean it's not our fault? " I sat on the sofa beside the bed , taking off my shoes "they are both damaged because of us.. maybe if we kept our relationship a secret from the beginning with.." I took off my jacket and she took it and hung it in the closet room " don't you think it's too late now for this talk? I don't feel guilty. it's my own life and my own choices after all ..you know , it's not our fault if they can't go throw it and man up" she said taking off her blouse "yeah but..Kaoru's depressed and Tamaki's eyes are full of… hatred" I said leading her to bed "how about we stop thinking about others and just be ourselves? I mean look at you , all you've been talking about since we arrived back to Japan is Kaoru and Tamaki! " she was annoyed and I knew that but it was too much for me to concentrate on her now that I now recognized how much damage I left on these two .."well *sigh* good night " she was annoyed and didn't look at me. Hours passed and I couldn't sleep so I put on my shoes and decided to go to Kaoru's room.

The corridor was dark but I could see the light coming from his door. So he's still awake , I guessed right.I walked to the room and knocked it then opened it. He was such a mess "Kaoru.." his hair was messy his eyes were red and tears were running out of them , he was holding a bottle of Champaign and standing on the corner of the room "Hikaru I am crazy..I wanna die.." he said in a broken tone and sniffed. I entered and closed the door behind me "I am sorry …" he apologized "for being a burden ..*sniff* I mean..she must be mad at you now..an-" he stopped mumbling cause I took the bottle and wrapped my arms around his shaking body and we sat on his corner "Kaoru .. you are more important to me " I fondled his back till his breath was normal again. "you should..go back to her.." he said looking to my hands. "Kaoru..you know what ? I am the one who's crazy and it's the only way to save you and Tamaki.." he didn't know what was I talking about but it was the only solution left , I brought the blanket and wrap it around Kaoru "put your shoes on " I went to the room where Haruhi was sleeping peacefully and took out my keys and went back to Kaoru.

I lead him to the garage and entered the car "Hikaru, what are you doing?.." he asked and the garage gate got open

"isn't it obvious? I am leaving her and running away with you " I said to him and he got shocked. I drove out of the gate and out of the house , the weather wasn't helping but I could drive anyway

"you left her with Tamaki.." Kaoru said holding his backpack

"yes , she needs to take some responsibility and have a serious talk with him" I said

"she won't be able to leave the house , it's in the middle of nowhere.." he said

"yup"

"what if she..ermm no forget about it.." he said and shacked his head

"you mean what if they fall for each other again? Well…I don't know what to do then. But what matters to me now is you and only you" I said and he opened his eyes in surprise. he lent to my side and left a kiss on my cheek. "you are weird " he said crossing his hands.

It was raining heavily so I stopped the car on the side of the rood " I can't see my way , I suppose we're going to spend the night in the car. " we fixed the car seats so now we can use them to sleep. It was too dark I couldn't see Kaoru "this reminds me of the old days when we used to hide inside one of the cars in our house and spend the night there" I held his hand and shared the blanket with him " yes Hikaru , and they used to lecture us every time" I laughed to that " and then dad told us about the monster that lives in our garage so we stopped going there "

"yeah that was funny " he laughed too

"finally! ..Kaoru you're laughing again! "

"I am a little bit happy, Hikaru"


End file.
